How should you get to school this Friday?

As you know, this Friday is the first day of Cal Poly’s Open House. The parking lots will be packed, so how are Lee and Sean getting to school tomorrow? (Also, Sean is in Las Vegas this week, so both Lee’s and Sean’s parts this week will be written by Lee Barats.)

Lee Barats: Ride a horse

Now a lot of you may plan on riding a bike or carpooling, but don’t. Those ideas are played out. People are going to ride their bikes or carpool. You don’t want to be like everyone else, do you? Hell nah. You gotta start your own style. Ride a horse.

We Americans have strayed too far away from our roots. Before Americans exploited virtually every possible race to do their dirty work, Americans exploited horses. Show everyone how old-school (pun) you are when you show up on campus on a seven-foot tall Clydesdale. Horses pollute less than carpools, and they require less physical effort than riding a bike. If people told you that you could relax, not pollute, and get in touch with animals, you’d probably call them hippies. Well, I hate hippies. So, here are some other reasons.

What will the prospective freshmen think when they see everyone at Cal Poly riding horses around campus? The answer is, “I should not go to this school.” Less new students at Cal Poly means a better college experience for all of us. No offense current freshmen, but if there are less people in this town, the lines will be shorter, the parking will be easier, and rent will be way cheaper. The bottom line is this: if you ride horses to school this Friday, you’ll have more time and more money.

Plus fellas, I don’t want to sound shallow, but the ladies love horses. The only thing they love more than a horse is a horse with a dude on it. For some reason, even the ugliest guys can pull chicks if they can tame a stallion. Nobody knows the reason for this, but I have a theory. If you put even the ugliest human face near a horse’s, the human will look like Brad Pitt by comparison. All you have to do is ride a horse tomorrow and the ladies just won’t let your ugly self be.

So do whatever it takes to get a horse by tomorrow. I recommend stealing one. That way, it’ll be cheaper. Also, the ladies love a badass.

Sean Michetti: Don’t go to school

Let’s cut the crap. Class sucks. It’s almost as bad as my crippling body odor. As a matter of fact, the last time I went to any of my classes, everyone sitting around me had to move to the other side of the room because school’s so lame. I don’t even care about parking on campus because I never have to deal with it. The truth is that going to class is for losers. Losers also shower regularly and wear deodorant.

As a lazy waste of space, I find any excuse I can to skip class. For example, I didn’t go to my Easyworthlesscrap 101 class last week because I almost choked on a grape the night before. Just kidding. I don’t eat fruit. On the contrary, my poor diet is probably what causes my excruciatingly severe B.O. But like I was saying, another time I watched “Citizen Kane” and was so enthralled, I skipped class for a week searching for a sequel. It turns out the sequel doesn’t exist, but it doesn’t matter because I’ve passed all my classes somehow. Probably because I pay people to take all my tests. I have no integrity and a lack of general intelligence. I also can’t structure arguments very well.

One socially acceptable reason for me not going to class on Friday is because I don’t have class on Fridays this quarter. Now that I think of it, I haven’t had class on Friday as long as Lee’s known me. Meanwhile, Lee’s always had Friday classes. He busts his ass all week, and for what? Half the glory? I should really do something nice for him or at least thank him for dragging my dead weight all year. He totally knows where I sleep and if I don’t do anything nice soon, he may just snap. And by snap, I mean wake me up with a shovel to the face.

Oh well, I guess I’d better enjoy the rest of my week in Vegas, spending all my money on liquor and gambling and God knows what else. Dear lord, I hate you Sean.

Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are Mustang Daily humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.