Lauren RabainoLee Barats: Yes. But I’ll hit it every day either way
‘Scuse me if I seem a little off this week. I just shared a bowl of Afgani Indica with this talking deer I just met. He’s crazy, man. Anyway, yeah. America should totally legalize weed. It just makes the world better. You know those square, white, a-holes who run our country get high every day, man.
Speaking of our government, it’s one of the top reasons pot should be legal! People need to have an escape from the reality of how terrible our country is. Did you know the U.S. government has secret underground cannabis farms to supply drugs for the poor communities? It’s true, bro. They think as long as the poor are high, they’ll put up with the government taking away their civil liberties. How awful is that? I don’t even wanna think about it, I just wanna smoke that thought right out of my mind.
Real quick, think about your favorite band. The members smoke weed. Lots of it. Weed has contributed more to the American arts than tobacco or alcohol; and it’s not even legal! Could you imagine how American culture would blow up if ganja was made readily available for every man, woman and child? We’d have a country full of Dylans, Marleys and Chapelles.
I bet if the reef was legal, there would be a lot less dicks around. Everyone would be all mellow ‘cuz they’re all blazin’. I bet that lady wouldn’t have been so unreasonable when I crashed my car into her mailbox ‘cuz I was high. She woulda been all like, “Nah, it’s cool, man. The Postal Service was bringin’ me down anyway.”
Man, hittin’ greens feels so good, it’s just gotta be right. Why would God put us on this planet if he didn’t want us to feel good all the time? Think about that, you uptight, Neo-Con, flag-waving fun-haters. Now excuse me while I hit the hay.
Sean Michetti: No. The gateway to Hell drug
For years I’ve believed marijuana to be “the gateway drug,” but I’ve had little proof. Now, rarely do I believe scientific findings, much less quote them, but I must make an exception for this virtuous study performed by Yale scientists: “The soil surrounding a marijuana plant literally provides a gateway for Lucifer to travel from earth to hell.”
Terrified yet? I constantly am. Several symptoms associated with excessive marijuana use are clearly influenced by the devil. You can almost see his goat-like grin in each smoke ring blown.
Studies show that marijuana users report feeling a sense of tolerance. Tolerance! Tolerance to settle with your abusive spouse? Tolerance of radical third world nations? Tolerance of yourself? All are disturbing ideas that have led to the dreadful conditions we see in our urban cities.
If we allow marijuana to become legalized, then our cities will fail and our doped-out citizens will be too complacent to fix anything. Advantage: devil.
If our nation succumbs to the pressures of Oregonian hippies and legalizes marijuana, then we will see respiratory infection cases shoot through the roof, and doctors will be overwhelmed with patients who giggle while describing their constant shortness of breath. We can’t allow marijuana to terrorize the lungs of our young.
Every two years, America shows its athletic dominance at the Olympics. Fort Knox was built to house our proud flow of gold bling. Ask yourself, how many gold medals did the Netherlands bring home from Salt Lake City and Athens? THREE TOTAL! And they were all from the winter games. Reason: only one of its athletes even SHOWED up at the summer games, the rest of them slept in until the closing ceremonies were long over. The Netherlands has legalized marijuana and consequently breeds terrible athletes. Our nation already suffers under the heavy weight of obesity, how can we afford to allow our kids to become any LESS athletic? Advantage: U.S. in gold medals; devil in everything else.
Marijuana is real, people. If I had any less self control and found myself smoking marijuana, then this article, and all my extensive research, would never be completed. It’s a fact. Marijuana users suffer short-term memory loss. Marijuana is real, people. If I had any less self control, this article would never be…
Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are Mustang Daily humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.