Lauren RabainoIt was recently announced to thunderous applause that the coffee shop in the University Union, Julian’s, would be replaced by a Starbucks. Julian’s, “Saying Good Morning With Attitude,” has been a staple in the UU since its installation several years ago. Starbucks, “Don’t Like Coffee? You Do Now,” has been homogenizing America’s cultural landscape since its startup in Seattle, “Birthplace of Grunge Metal.”
Consideration for the replacement began after the school’s movie rental shop, Insomniac Video, “Don’t Like Stanley Kubrick? Good, I Didn’t Want You To,” decided to go on an emotional road trip across the American West in an effort to rediscover itself and learn what it means to love and be loved. With the space empty, the University Union Advisory Board, “Yeah, We’re Surprised We Exist, Too,” consulted students on what they wanted in the space. Eventually, they were able to narrow the list down to five options: a fortress for Campus Crusade to simply glare at passers-by, a bottomless pit, Starbucks, I’m not sure, and “decline to state” race. With Starbucks being the only reasonable input, the Advisory Board approached the wrought-iron gates of Starbucks with their proposal, which was met by shrill, maniacal laughter and a handshake.
When the Mustang Daily, “All The News That’s Fit To Print And Some Other Articles, Too,” broke the story, student reaction was mixed. Many voiced concern that Cal Poly’s yielding to a multi-gajillion dollar corporation would open the floodgates for other soulless corporations to take over the Cal Poly landscape. Little do these students realize, it already has.
Starbucks is simply the first of many businesses that will take up shop within the University campus. According to a statement issued by the UUAB, “We’d like to envision a Cal Poly where students can purchase their Double Mocha Shot Caramel Coffee Monstrosity in the mornings, purchase a Scantron at the campus Barnes & Noble Bookstore, take their food science exam in the Taco Bell cafeteria, read the USA Today Mustang Daily in the Steve Jobs iMemorial iLibrary, attend their chemistry laboratory in the Chuck-E-Cheese Ball Corral, and return to the parking lot in front of the IKEA D”rm Fürnishings store to drive home at the end of the day. It will be a new Cal Poly – fueled by the awesome power of Gatorade and Disney’s ‘Hannah Montana In Concert: The 3-D Experience,’ now in theaters. I’m sorry; I have to say that at the end of every paragraph I speak. But the rush I get from plugging these companies more than makes up for the increased awkwardness my wife and I now experience during our nightly pillow talk.”
In addition to physical developments such as the aforementioned Chuck-E-Cheese, Mustang Stadium is now home to the Oakland Raiders at San Luis Obispo and the Animal Science Department is now owned by Petco, “Where You Can Love Your Pet More Than Humans And We Won’t Call You A Jackass.”
The school will also be subject to rampant commercial advertising. Unlike current fliers for club events or school activities, commercial advertisements will not be limited to designated boards in classrooms. They will be printed on walls in hallways and on the facades of buildings, and much of the school’s shrubbery and flower arrangements will be cut and planted to resemble familiar and timeless products such as the classic Coca-Cola bottle and the Trojan condom.
Students who find it difficult to stay awake in class will find the monotony of lecture will disappear, as professors will be required to perform product demonstrations two to three times per chapter of material discussed. Differential equations are much more fun when presented by the new George Foreman Grill For Lonely Engineers, “The Last and Only Cooking Appliance You’ll Ever Need!”
Opponents to such developments needn’t worry, explains President Baker. “These investments funnel money straight to the school, lowering tuition costs for students,” he said. When asked where exactly this money would flow, he responded, “Oh, to buy back our souls, of course! This press conference was brought to you by Microsoft Windows Vista, ‘Innovating Frustration Since 2007’.”