Steroids: Should You Do Them?

Lee Barats: Pro-Steroid Use

From the time you’re young, everyone tells you steroids are evil. They beat this message into your head every day, brainwashing you so you never reach your full physical potential. Well I’m here today to open your eyes, lucky reader. Steroids are awesome.

I’d like to address a popular misconception. Most people will tell you steroids are bad for you. Oh wow, I didn’t know I was surrounded by doctors. Bad how? Are they bad for your body? No. I don’t see how something that can make you run faster, jump higher, and tear a human in half is bad for your body. The only physical downside I can think of is the fatigue you’ll get from fighting off members of the opposite sex. Most people are willing to take that tradeoff, however.

People say that athletes who use steroids are cheaters. What a terrible blanket statement. Yes, Barry Bonds and José Canseco both had mistresses, but isn’t that going a little too far to insult someone? We’re talking about steroids, here. Let’s leave the personal lives out of it.

But the lies don’t stop there. Have you seen a list of “harmful” side effects of steroid use? Development of breasts? They’re called pecs, fool. Aggressive behavior? That’s just a result of the confidence that comes with your new, rockin’ bod. Enlarged prostate? Last time I checked, size matters.

Now that I’ve debunked a few myths, here’s why steroids are awesome: they make you absolutely RIPPED. Have you ever seen 50 Cent? Holy man-crush. If I think he’s attractive, imagine what every woman ever must think! But not only will steroids make you look stronger, you’ll actually be stronger, too! Here’s a situation you might encounter: a man pulls a gun on you in an alley and orders you to bench-press 400 pounds. If you’re not on steroids, you’ll fail and get shot. If you’re on steroids, you still probably won’t be able to lift 400 pounds, but if you get shot, you’ll live. Fact: steroids stop bullets. See: Cent, 50. Steroids can only save your life.

Sean Michetti: Con-Steroid Use

Anabolic steroids. They’re the new Tickle-Me-Elmo. Only this Elmo gives you bacne and an uncontrollable urge to become a pro-wrestler, essentially a rage-a-holic soap opera star. Now, steroids are frequently in the news because they are evil. They are such a hot-button issue lately that Congress is in on the action, and they seem more intent on catching a cheating sports star than bagging Osama Bin Laden. This makes steroids a national security risk.

OK, so the ‘roid alert has just been raised to red, or the color pouring from all the broken sports records. These worshiped records are broken and re-broken so frequently that they’re becoming as credible as the Bush administration’s foreign policy. Slap an asterisk on ’em and send them to Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, the new hall-of-fame location for disgraced records.

Hey, do you remember your pubescent years? Of course not. You’ve cleared them from your memory quicker than the CIA erased Guantanamo Bay interrogation tapes. Reason? They were filled with physical and emotional torture (both memory and tapes). Well you can get those lost moments back. Just stick a long needle in your butt and blast anabolic steroids in there. The acne, shrunken testicles and emo depression will fill the void left by puberty.

“I need a ripped body to score chicks!” It’s a lie, boys. Women want an entrée of brains and an appetizer of funny, washed down with a cocktail of cash. If all you’re serving her tonight is a buffet of muscles, she’ll dine and ditch. But don’t worry, because you know who loves buffets? Senior citizens, and they’re always in need of caregivers.

So there you have it. All the reasons not to do anabolic steroids in a shriveled, infertile nut shell. Now if you want to become a muscular, aggressive steroid user like José Canseco, you’ll just end up with a restraining order for attempting to run your mother off a freeway and then you’ll be starring in the washed-up human show “The Surreal Life.” Or you can choose to avoid steroids and remain a passive, bumbling character like Woody Allen, in which case you’ll marry your 22-year-old stepdaughter. I apologize that my argument had to be so clear.

Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are the Mustang Daily’s humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.