Ryan ChartrandMere weeks remain until the NBA All-Star break. Nearly halfway through the season, here is a breakdown of every team in the league, ranked from first to worst.
1) Boston Celtics – Three All-Stars, 10-0 against their division, 11-0 against the Western Conference, 7-3 in their past 10 games, and an overall record of 33-6. Enough said.
2) San Antonio Spurs – Heard this one before: ‘Is it April yet? No? Well then let’s just stick to cruise control.’
3) Dallas Mavericks – All Dirk Nowitzki needed was a summer-long exile in Australia with a wooly beard and two wins against the Warriors to finally get rolling again.
4) New Orleans Hornets – Scary thought: Chris Paul has yet to play to his full potential.
5) Phoenix Suns – How much longer can Steve Nash’s aching back carry these guys?
6) L.A. Lakers – Conspiracy theory: Lakers’ team doctors reported that Andrew Bynum is only going to be out two months, just to give Kobe Bryant some hope while the trade deadline passes.
7) Detroit Pistons – Poor man’s (Eastern Conference) San Antonio Spurs.
8) Utah Jazz – I have never seen an NBA team do so little with so much.
9) Orlando Magic – Compare Hedo Turkoglu’s 18.7 points per game to Rashard Lewis’ 18.6. Now compare their contracts.
10) Golden State Warriors – Monta Ellis can be the first player to win the Most Improved Player award twice.
11) Denver Nuggets – Allen Iverson dribbles down the court and shoots. Carmelo Anthony dribbles down the court and shoots. Iverson dribbles down the court and shoots. Anthony dribbles down the …
12) New Jersey Nets – Maybe Jason Kidd needs to get more “headaches.”
13) Portland Trailblazers – Am I still the only person not sold on them just yet?
14) Cleveland Cavaliers – All hail King James and the defending Eastern Conference chu – err, I mean – champs.
15) Toronto Raptors – I should have bumped them up a couple more spots after Chris Bosh made his All-Star ballot commercial.
16) Houston Rockets – T-Mac cries after first-round playoff exits and laughs at trade rumors.
17) Atlanta Hawks – A few guards they could have drafted instead of more forwards: Chris Paul, Deron Williams and Brandon Roy.
18) Washington Wizards – On Jan. 12, the Wizards beat the Celtics. Soon afterward, Gilbert Arenas announced he will opt out of his contract to sign with a contender. On Jan. 14, the Wizards beat the Celtics again. The point is: nobody cares what Arenas says or does anymore.
19) Sacramento Kings – Ron Artest thinks they can make a run at the playoffs now that everybody is back … by far the craziest thought he has ever had.
20) Indiana Pacers – Mike Dunleavy, Jr. is leading a team in scoring?
21) Chicago Bulls – The only big headline we should be reading about them is how they are still one of the NBA’s biggest disappointments.
22) Charlotte Bobcats – M.J. should lace up the Nikes and mentor the young guys like he did with Kwame Brown …
23) L.A. Clippers – They are making a case for Elton Brand to win the MVP award next year.
24) Philadelphia 76ers – I know they will have a lot of cap room this summer, but why would anybody want to sign with a team that ran Iverson out of town?
25) Milwaukee Bucks – I know Yi Jianlian was worried about the Chinese market in Milwaukee, but what about the embarrassment of having to suit up for an awful team?
26) Memphis Grizzlies – They make me want to take back my comment about the Utah Jazz.
27) Seattle Supersonics – Another conspiracy theory: The NBA will only allow the Sonics to move if they relocate to the East Coast so more people can watch Kevin Durant on TV.
28) New York Knicks – Sadly, Isiah Thomas is becoming the Britney Spears of the NBA.
29) Miami Heat – The combination of Dwyane Wade and O.J. Mayo sounds pretty good.
30) Minnesota Timberwolves – I am going to have to go out on a limb here and say that Kevin McHale isn’t going to win GM of the Year.
Dmitry Bisk is an animal science senior and a Mustang Daily sports columnist.