The Wiggles vs. Bruce Willis

Lee: Sean. Wake up. It’s 7 o’clock and time for some debating.

Sean: What? No, I don’t have to take that exam, Mr. Wilson.

Lee: What?

Sean: Who the hell are you?

Lee: Sean, it’s Lee. We agreed to debate today at 7 a.m. and you forgot, you pile.

Sean: Oh.YOU. It’s 6 a.m. Lee. Daylight-saving time happened on Sunday and you still haven’t set your clock back. You’re more worthless than daylight-saving time.

Lee: Oh, my bad. After last week, when we decided to debate who’s more hardcore, The Wiggles or Bruce Willis, I haven’t been able to function normally. I’m too focused on this topic. I don’t think you understand how much I love The Wiggles.

Sean: I don’t think you understand how close I’ve come to strangling you because of your obsessive playing of “The Wiggles Greatest Hits” album. Their target audience is 4-year-olds, man. But congratulations on your promotion to president of the Central Coast Wiggles Fan Club; that’s a real honor. Almost as great of an honor as Bruce Willis being the ninth greatest money-grossing actor of all time. Almost.

Lee: Ahh, I see you’ve been doing some research. It’s on, then. The Wiggles, the ridiculously popular children’s music group from Australia, are much more hardcore than Bruce Willis, actor and pussy. Here’s a reason: In 2005, The Wiggles were the largest-earning Australian entertainers. They made $50 million; that’s more than AC/DC and Nicole Kidman made that year combined. That’s also twice as much as Bruce made that year.

Sean: Salary doesn’t determine your hardcore status; it’s all about your actions. Like that homeless guy we saw last week, the one who ate a live squirrel because it dropped an acorn on him. He may be broke, but he’s loaded with badass . and malt liquor. Just look at Bruce in his movies. In “Unbreakable,” Bruce is a freaking God who cannot die. All action sequences were performed without stunt doubles, like in the train accident scene. Hundreds of extras volunteered to die in that fiery crash out of respect for Bruce and his hardcore method acting style.

Lee: See, that’s the thing. Bruce Willis is an actor. He just acts badass. Anyone can dodge fake bullets or punch a fake terrorist. Did you know The Wiggles song “Get Ready to Wiggle” was originally titled “Get Ready to Stab a Guy for No Reason?” Behind the scenes, these four guys are the hardest mofos on the planet. You know how they all wear different colored shirts? They claimed four gang colors. Behind the scenes, Bruce ‘Shrillis’ is a loving father, a caring husband and a huge bitch.

Sean: Behind the scenes, Bruce Willis was overheard threatening Jean Claude Van Damme, “If we were in prison, I’d f*** you.” Have you seen the latest Die Hard movie? Bruce jumps a car into a helicopter. The Wiggles movies only feature sing-alongs and moral values . how overrated are those?!

Lee: False. In their 1996 video, “Wiggly Wiggly Christmas,” they cut out the scene where they get drunk on eggnog and play Russian Roulette. Apparently a kid died. Bruce Willis is bald. What’s the matter, he’s not man enough to go to the store and buy some damn Rogaine?

Sean: Bruce is bald by choice! He is often seen in a creek on his property, shaving his head with a 12-inch bow-hunting knife. He buys them regularly because the blade dulls with each use. Just be honest with yourself for once in your pathetic life, Lee Barats! The Wiggles are childish and you are better than that!

Lee: You obviously know nothing of The Wiggles. You should come to our next Wiggles Fan Club meeting. We meet every Friday night under the bridge by the Mission to discuss all things Wiggle. Did you know that they got the name from the twitching of a dying man?

Sean: Really? That’s hardcore observance. I’ll accept your invitation Lee, but only if you use an epic Bruce Willis quote while moderating the club meeting.

Lee: “Yipee-ki-yay motherfucker.”

Do you have a debate you need resolved? Send your debate topic to TitsForTats@gmail.com and we’ll debate your issue and bring you sweet, sweet closure.

Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are the Mustang Daily’s humor columnists.