Last week's other crimes

Editorial note: Collegiate Culture Snob is a humor column and is not to be taken seriously.

Not many people realize how much work goes into the making of the Cal Poly Police Blotter that is published every week in the Mustang Daily. With so little space available in the newspaper (every week I submit a 30-page, fair and balanced manuscript to the editors, only to have it cut down into a short, poorly-written, egotistic assault on the average Cal Poly student), the Cal Poly Police have their work cut out for them. Only the best crimes can make it into the Blotter, meaning that a large percentage of crimes are never revealed to the public.

As a service to the students and the school as a whole, I managed to break away from my regular graffiti-tagging of valuable campus statues and signs to break into the Cal Poly Police department and obtain these new, never-before-seen crimes that must be revealed to the public.

While we all focus on that dolt who thought e-mailing death threats constituted a mild Halloween prank, I call your attention to the Unseen Criminal Underbelly of Cal Poly:

– On Oct. 29, a female student was wearing Uggs and pajama bottoms. A member of our fashion police moved to give her a ticket but could not engage with the student as she could not seem to stop talking on her cell phone about some bucket-of-a-guy she had hooked up with the night before.

– On Oct. 29, a police cruiser attempted to respond to a Blue Emergency light, but students continued to cross the streets at non-designated crossing areas without even looking for oncoming cars. They were unable to hear the police sirens as they had iPod headphones jammed into their inner ears. The driver of the police cruiser got tired of waiting for students to move out of the way, so he pulled over and got a coffee at Julian’s.

– On Oct. 29, several students received a series of threatening emails from a student threatening to send some threatening emails to some students later in the week using computers in the El Corral bookstore. It probably does not mean anything.

– On Oct. 30, three officers responded to a pre-Halloween Warlock Bros and Witch Hos party at a fraternity. The officers decided that the best solution was to let the attendees drink themselves to death as it is the only way they will learn. The police left to help people that deserve to be saved.

– On Oct. 30, several students received a series of threatening e-mails in which the anonymous sender threatened to start crying unless the students agreed that Star Trek is indeed better than Star Wars. The police did not respond to these attacks as they believe that the 2004 revision of Battlestar Galactica is better than any Star Trek and the original Star Wars Trilogy trumps any other sci-fi franchise. Oh, and some other students received death threats.

– On Oct. 31, police responded to a student selling alcohol at Dexter Lawn during UU hour. It turned out it was just a new Lucy’s employee who did not know the difference between raspberry sherbet and protein powder.

– On Oct. 31, a student police volunteer maced a male student in the face for driving a low-rider with hydraulic suspension. While the use of force is debatable, as the owner of the car was not violating any law, the Cal Poly Police Department does encourage the use of force upon those who commit crimes against nature.

– On Nov. 1, the student who was maced for owning a low-rider won a $50 million lawsuit against the Cal Poly Police Department. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of your school’s police force. Congratulations, you’ve won. Enjoy your precious anarchy. May it be full of Top 40 radio, cheap beer, sparkling lip gloss and heated debates regarding whether Chipotlé or Baja Fresh is the better franchise.

– On Nov. 1, some guy in my philosophy class sat in front of me while he was “going commando.” His jeans were too big on his waist and a large portion of butt crack was exposed throughout the lecture. I was going to ask him to pull up his pants, but I didn’t want to acknowledge his existence. Okay, so this wasn’t part of the Police Blotter, but I had to put that out there.

Wow, there sure is much more to the Cal Poly Police Department than I realized. Maybe the next time you walk blindly across Perimeter Road without regard to traffic and with a purposefulness that can only be equated to that of a WWII kamikaze pilot flying toward an American battleship, you’ll have just a little more respect for those officers in blue that protect you even though you probably don’t deserve it.