Have you sinned today?

Sean: GOOD MORNING LEE. What the hell? Are those crumbs all over your fat chin?

Lee: Listen man, my usual 10-egg omelet didn’t fill me up this morning and I saw those cookies you baked yesterday and I figured you wouldn’t mind if I ate the whole batch.

Sean: I baked 64 of my award-winning double-chocolate, coconut and pecan cookies for the neighborhood Boy Scout bake sale. They desperately needed these to compete against those damned Girl Scouts and their cookie monopoly, and you’ve ruined it by polishing off all 64!

Lee: And I didn’t even throw up. High-five!

Sean: Get your little sausage fingers away from me; they’ll only grease up my perfectly manicured hands. Lately, I’ve heard the stairwell creaking more than usual. How much weight have you put on this week? 40 pounds?

Lee: 50. Low-five.

Sean: I’m positive you couldn’t bend low enough for this five. You realize you’re so gluttonous that people debate about how overdue your pregnancy is? I’m embarrassed to hang out with you in public because everyone assumes I’m your baby’s daddy.

Lee: ‘OOH, look at me, I’m attractive Sean. I bake the best cookies in the world and only surround myself with attractive friends. I don’t have to wear a sports bra and I have perfect, girly hands.’ You’re so conceited that it’s creating a rift in our friendship. Don’t you know pride is one of the seven deadly sins?

Sean: Well if you take a look in my Encyclopedia Britannica, you’ll see gluttony is one as well. The seven deadly sins shouldn’t be your main concern; I’d focus more on your seven deadly chins.

Lee: Fantastic pun, you smug bastard. Gluttony is the most delicious of the seven sins. I’m sorry you’re too weighed down with your inhibitions to feel good all the time. Since you’re so worried about your perfect image, you miss out on the thrill of acting on every impulse.

Sean: Like the impulse to clear out the baked goods section at Albertson’s? I sure am disappointed you beat me to that one. But I guess you’re always guaranteed a job at Macy’s as Santa Claus once you fail out of college because you couldn’t make it out of your kitchen. I, on the other hand, will continue the rich traditions of the Michetti clan, such as paying for everything in exact change and maintaining such pristine physical condition that Major League Baseball tests me every three months for steroid abuse. You wouldn’t last two seconds as a Michetti.

Lee: Gaining all this weight is the smartest thing I’ve ever done. I’m only 30 pounds away from qualifying for a handicap parking spot. Plus, everyone wants to be friends with a fat guy. Fat guys are hilarious! Look at Chris Farley, John Belushi, John Candy and Louie Anderson. No one wants to hang out with people who are full of themselves.

Sean: Oh well, I’m sure it’s much better hanging out with someone who’s full of mayonnaise and Crisco. Plus, all those funny fatties are dead.

Lee: Louie Anderson is still alive.

Sean: He’s dead to me for ruining “Family Feud.” While your gluttonous heroes are busy dying, pride brings recognition to minority groups in the likes of parades. While you are busy deep-frying everything, I was attending gay pride parades, 4th of July parties and the Million Man March. Pride unifies groups of people to better society. Gluttony unifies a bucket of fried chicken, a lazy boy and blood pressure that’s higher than Snoop Dogg.

Lee: You leave the fried chicken out of this. I have no regrets about my choices. You should really respect my lifestyle.

Sean: My God, Lee, you’re proud of your gluttonous lifestyle, aren’t you? You’re just as guilty of pride as I am.

Lee: Oh, I guess you’re right, so then we’re in the same boat?

Sean: I’d never climb into a boat with you, fatty.

Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are the Mustang Daily’s humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.