Lauren RabainoSean: Lee, I have a problem.
Lee: I can’t say that I care, but seeing as how this article won’t happen unless you tell me what the problem is, why don’t I humor you for 10 minutes and “listen to you.”
Sean: You’re the best! So I got up this morning, dressed as usual and walked to school. All was fine and dandy until someone yelled, “Get back into the Thicket of Solitude, Quail Man!” And sure enough, I had my skivvies on top of my pantaloons!
Lee: Well gosh darn it Sean! Didn’t you know your underwear is supposed to be on the inside of your pants? It’s just common sense.
Sean: Well I’m not so sure Lee. Cause here’s the thing: I paid $200 for these silk briefs. They have the perfect inseam, and my initials embroidered on each butt cheek. Now who’s gonna see these gems if I hide ’em under these pants I swindled off a homeless man?
Lee: Pants for a handjob is hardly a swindle, Sean. But why would they be called underwear if you don’t wear them under? But forget it, I don’t want to get into this chicken-or-the-egg debate.
Sean: That is a delicious-sounding debate. What the hell is it and where can I buy one?
Lee: Really? You’ve never heard of the chicken-or-the-egg debate? Plato first philosophized about it in 1883, right after the Revolutionary War. He pondered the rhetorical question “which came first, the chicken or the egg?” It’s intended to provoke thought about the origins of life.
Sean: Well it’s obviously the egg. Stupid question, discussion over.
Lee: Now not so fast Sean, who laid the first egg?
Sean: Well again, obviously it was a chick . aw, a pterodactyl who had mated with a squirrel.
Lee: First off, Pterodactyls and squirrels didn’t even live during the same time period. Secondly, only a chicken can lay a chicken egg.
Sean: Well the chicken couldn’t have come first. I’ve spent enough time sleeping in chicken coops to know those pecky bastards hatch from eggs which come out of their butts. So wait . which did come first, Lee?!
Lee: As usual, you’ve missed the entire point of the question. The question has no answer; it’s just something to think about.
Sean: Well that’s STUPID then. If the question doesn’t have an answer, why would anyone waste their time thinking about it? Plato has stolen two minutes of my life, now apologize for him.
Lee: No Sean, I think this little discussion has been good for you. It’s healthy just to sit down and philosophize about things.
Sean: No it’s not! You’ve just increased my chance of developing Alzheimer’s by 35 percent with this added pressure. You’re killing me Barats! How about we resolve this by agreeing that God created both. He’s always a solid answer for the tough questions I don’t want to think about.
Lee: Well that’s kind of a cop-out. I believe God would want you to expand your mind and think a bit. After all, that’s why he gave us brains, right? This question is just one of many ways to exercise your brain and thereby appease God.
Sean: You’re not appeasing God ’cause you spend all your hours laboring over pointless questions. Here’s a question that has an obvious answer: have you gotten laid this year?
Lee: Well that’s a little personal. I don’t see what this has to do with anything.
Sean: It should be obvious to you and your lonely bed. You’re making friends with dead philosophers who can’t provide you with an answer, while I make friends with vagabonds who provide me with pants.
Lee: Well I do see your point; I am a little tired of exchanging money for pants. Now that you mention it, the question is kind of pointless. Which came first: the chicken or the egg? What should you wear on the outside: pants or underwear? Is four-and-a-half inches normal? Who cares?!
Sean: You’ve got it! Now lets go homeless hoppin’!
Lee: To the streets!
Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are the Mustang Daily’s humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.