You can't Tase me

Lee: Aw man, Sean, I’m having a terrible day. First I ran out of shampoo in the shower this morning and then I got Tasered!

Sean: Well, you probably deserved it.

Lee: Nobody deserves to be out of shampoo, asshole.

Sean: Anyhow, you got Tasered. What’s the big deal? I was Tasered casually as a child. My grandfather was a strict disciplinarian who learned his methods in a red Chinese prison. Whenever I committed a “social slip-up,” I was “corrected.”

Lee: Sean, that’s illegal. Your grandfather should be arrested for child abuse. Taser guns are serious weapons that can hurt or kill people. Tasering a child even once could damage the nervous system for the rest of his or her life. By the way, your hand’s in the toaster.

Sean: You’re dang right it is! But like I was saying, I’m grateful I was disciplined so harshly. I can still remember my grandpapa’s two-step process to being a successful adult. Step one: never fail. Step two: there is no step two. These lessons are permanently Tased into my memory.

Lee: That’s awful. People use Tasers too freely in this country. All I did today was make a passing remark to John Kerry about his involvement in the Skull and Bones society and the next thing I know I have 10,000 volts surging through my supple, nubile body. Taser guns are leading to the downfall of free speech, not to mention the deterioration of an Adonis-like body.

Sean: Your pride is an embarrassment and I’m just itching to “correct” it. It’s been almost a week since I’ve used my Taser, Ol’ Sparky, on someone other than myself. Now that I think of it, there are a lot of people I’d like to use Ol’ Sparky on.

Lee: Easy, Sean. Tasers should only be used in self-defense. You can’t go about Tasering people all willy-nilly. You need a healthy way of relieving your frustration. Have you considered taking a kickboxing class?

Sean: Once when I was eight. That thought was Tasered right out of my head. Me going around Tasering people is a double-edged sword. Not only does it relieve my angst, but I’m also helping solve society’s biggest problem – not enough Tasering. While the police eat doughnuts all day, I’m out on the streets, taking matters into my own hands.

Lee: Your “vigilante justice” is part of the problem. Did you know that more than 700 babies were Tasered last year for public nudity?

Sean: Well now they have to wear clothes to hide their Taser burns. Problem solved. I’ve seen you change the channel when diaper commercials come on the TV. You need to take control of your life. If you don’t like seeing naked babies, do something about it.

Lee: Well, I guess so, but you can’t really believe that all children should be Tasered as a punishment. Kids need to be raised with love and compassion.

Sean: Fact: Charles Manson was raised with “love and compassion.” Maybe if he had been brought up differently, he would have developed some self-discipline.

Lee: Really? Wow. I don’t want my children to end up like Charles Manson.

Sean: And rightfully so. You know who was raised with a Taser? Kim Jong Il. And you know what he’s doing?

Lee: Running North Korea.

Sean: Right you are, and doing it well. And what’s Charles Manson doing?

Lee: Pooping on prison walls.

Sean: And doing it well.

Lee: Wow, I guess Tasering isn’t as inhumane as I thought. It can actually help a child become a well-adjusted adult.

Sean: So what do you say? Come out with me on “Taser Tuesdays.” Together we’ll build a world of Kim Jong Ils.

Lee: Great! I’ll do anything it takes.

Sean: Well then, let’s get started! First you need to experience the magic. Let Ol’ Sparky purify you.

Lee: Oh, ok. I suppose I can take two Tasers in one day. Let the cleansing begin.

Sean: Alrighty, I’ll just tag you in the abdomen and give you three or four quick pulses.

Lee: Do it!

Sean: Done!

Lee: (gurgle).

Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are the Mustang Daily’s humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.