Mastering the art of flirtation

In elementary school, you chased each other around the playground, pulled each other’s hair, or snatched at each other’s toys.

In junior high/middle school, you teased each other mercilessly, made fun of each other’s hair, and played on each other’s prepubescent insecurities.

In high school, you made eyes at each other from across the classroom, worried too much about the way your hair looked, and after all the effort, tried to play it off.

At our age, after 20-ish years spent socializing, schmoozing, or trying to, we’ve learned that flirting is undeniably an element of human interaction.

(Hopefully we’ve learned since our hair-yanking days to incorporate a little more subtlety into our methods.)

Through flirting, we can convey and/or detect anything from a serious to a passing romantic interest. It tinges both spoken and unspoken conversation. Even where there’s no romance, there’s some flirting involved in solely friendly and platonic attraction.

First, let’s get past the negative connotation some of our more prudent gentle readers may be stuck on. We’re not talking about shamelessly throwing yourself at the next cute guy/girl you meet downtown (though certainly that’s your prerogative).

We’re examining flirting as a form and a fact of human communication. Unlike the days of petticoats and coattails, coquetry today involves more than just the “accidental” drop of a lady’s handkerchief or a fluttering fan concealing a blushing cheek.

We’ve all been happily surprised – or distinctively disturbed – by a little flirtatious remark tossed our way. It can be flattering, frustrating, or downright frightening. Flirtation is a skill and arguably, even an art form.

And, as an art form, that means there is good art, and there is BAD art (and opinions differ widely). Let’s look at a scenario:

You’re navigating the Farmers’ Market crowd, trying not to lose your group of girlfriends. Suddenly you shoulder-collide with a dude and two male lackeys who trail him obediently. You throw an “Oops, sorry!” over your shoulder and continue walking.

He responds with a very loud, unruly “hey, baby” followed by a series of sleazy, unintelligible hoots and hollers. Needless to say, this sort of primitive flirting (harassment?) won’t get you very far (with humans, that is; you might give it a try at Atascadero Zoo).

But we’re sophisticated beings, aren’t we? Our flirting skills have at least evolved to the use of comprehensible language. But don’t count on just any choice of words to get you much further.

Take, for example, the pick-up line. I thought these had gone extinct (wishful thinking), but they turn up in times of desperation and famine. Your standard pick-up line ranges from innocuous (“Did it hurt . when you fell out of heaven?”) to ridiculous (“How do you like your eggs in the morning?”).

(The best answer I’ve heard thus far: “Unfertilized.”)

Pick-up lines are called classics because they’re classically bad forms of flirting. Generally speaking, you can expect to incite a rolling of the eyes or a gag reflex (or a slap across the face, depending on your target’s volatility) with one of these, and not swooning.

Clearly, bad flirting isn’t hard to miss. So what does effective flirting look like?

For starters, it isn’t blatantly obvious (which is part of its appeal). It isn’t crude like our grunting gentlemen or contrived like the lines in the aforementioned examples. Effective flirting is subtle, natural to your personality, and expresses genuine interest.

A little mystery is intriguing. Sneaking in little hints about your interest keeps your romantic interest wondering; and, if said interest is interested too, he or she will want to figure you out – which can ensure future interaction.

Staying natural to your personality is more likely to work for you than donning a mask (though some people are into that). If you’re shy, being subtle can work to your advantage; if you’re outgoing, direct remarks can work if timed right and spaced well.

Of course, sometimes your flirting is subject to misinterpretation (or no interpretation). If you’re too subtle, you may be seen as just friendly. If you’re too direct, you can come across as a threat.

Being conscious of your flirting will keep you out of trouble. For some, flirting is largely controllable; a switch that can be turned on or off (or, for the really disciplined, dimmed) depending on who wanders into the romantic radar.

Others flirt more chronically; it’s just the nature of their personalities. However you flirt, try your best not to send the wrong signals.

There’s nothing wrong with innocent flirting for fun (as opposed to strategic flirting) – if you both know it’s nothing more. But finding out someone wasn’t really interested after what you thought was some intense flirtatious banter is at best embarrassing, and at worst, devastating.

The playful antagonism of flirtation allows us to feel out the romantic waters; to test how close your romantic interest is willing to allow you; to see what limits you can reach on that precarious friendship-relationship boundary.

Yes, these are abstractions. No, there isn’t a step-by-step “effective flirting” manual, or more generally, a how-to manual for handling every relationship-related riddle (don’t worry, we’re still working on it).

But that’s the fun of it, and that’s what makes flirting – and romantic interaction – an art.

Sarah Carbonel is an English and psychology junior and Mustang Daily dating columnist.