Ryan ChartrandIt’s been used and recycled in one romantic comedy after another. It’s been capitalized upon by all sorts of Dr. Phil- and Jerry Springer-types. It’s a simple formula and it shows up everywhere:
Romantic relationships + family = surefire disaster and embarrassment.
For some reason, we tend to prepare ourselves for the worst when it comes to interaction between romantic partner and family. Something about the idea of introducing the significant other to “the fam” or meeting the significant other’s fam triggers headaches and sweaty palms.
I come from a big family. At gatherings it’s easy to get lost amidst the sea of cousins, aunts, uncles, and other obscure relatives whom I “know” but whose names I can’t quite keep straight. Size, combined with auditory volume, can be intimidating.
Of course, I love them all unconditionally and unhesitatingly (yes, in a way, even the ones I can’t name); but when it came time to introduce my boyfriend to (some of) them, I had a moment of wondering whether he might go running in the other direction.
As members of our respective families, we’ve inherited and learned the idiosyncrasies and “rules” that form within the fabric of our kin. For better or for worse, whether we like it or not, we know the way our families work; we know what makes them tick.
And it’s nerve-wracking to introduce someone who isn’t so familiar with said quirks to a group of people who, in our minds, are defined as a unit by their quirks.
There are any number of iterations of the anxiety-causing, significant-other-meets-family scenario:
There’s the overbearing, fear-inducing parental figure from whom the partner must acquire permission to date the precious offspring. In most movies (i.e., “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and “Meet the Parents”), it’s the father who plays this role; but there must certainly be some intimidating mothers out there, too.
This authoritarian stance can extend into other family members, who wish to see the significant other prove him/herself worthy by running the gauntlet of (hopefully, good-natured) teasing (or torment), e.g., “if you hurt her, I’ll kill you and make it look like an accident.”
Or there’s the overly-affectionate, boundary-crossing, pushy and insistent relatives who wish to divulge every detail of your infancy, childhood, and agonizing adolescence while shoveling as much food down your partner’s throat as they can.
And, while your partner’s mouth is stuffed with food, these relatives inquire about every detail of his or her infancy, childhood, and agonizing adolescence, coo about the odd similarities or differences between the two of you, and then ask when you’ll be setting a date.
The naturally-protective aspect of families gives the significant other an undefined, even precarious status: “Yes, I know you’re having ‘romantic relations’ with my son/daughter/niece/nephew/cous-in/sister/brother/etc., but don’t call attention to the fact and we’ll go on in ignorant bliss viewing you as just a very close platonic friend in his/her life.”
Such precariousness puts quite a bit of pressure on the romantic partner to watch like a sentinel his/her choice of words carefully (i.e., don’t mention any birthmarks that are not in plain view. Better idea: don’t mention any birthmarks at all).
But aside from the romantic humor of the movies and TV shows – which depict the mortification and discomfort of family encounters in a way that we can observe and laugh from a safe distance – family approval can be a very serious issue affecting a relationship.
For some individuals, assimilation or acceptance of the significant other into the family is a personal requirement. In some families (and on the greater scale, some cultures), family ties are so strong that compatibility with the family is a key quality sought after in a (long-term) partner.
Other individuals seek partners who are as contradictory to their families as possible. A person might date someone for the sole reason that dating him/her will make the parents livid. (Generally speaking, this isn’t the best way to find a partner with whom to form a lasting relationship.)
The truth is, whether you’re in a weird love-hate relationship with your family, or you couldn’t ask for a better one, or you’re completely mediocre about them, they will have some sort of effect on your romantic relationships no matter what.
When two individuals come together in a romantic relationship, they bring with them a set of peculiarities – many of which were acquired from the family, via both nature and nurture – that contributed to the formation of their personalities.
Maybe your set is exactly reflective of your family; maybe you’ve made the conscious effort to make your set exactly opposite of them. In either case, the effect your family has had on you will show up in ways you sometimes will, and sometimes won’t, expect.
In “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” the main character, Toula, spends most of the movie trying to escape the gravitational field of her big family. (With a national flag painted on the garage, turquoise flamenco-style bridesmaids dresses, and lamb roasting on a spit in the front yard, we can’t blame her.)
But this romantic comedy (which is based on real life, so it isn’t just another sappy ending!) shows that, for all the mortification and discomfort, disaster and embarrassment, it can be worth it – if you can stand it – in the end.
Sarah Carbonel is an English and psychology junior and Mustang Daily dating columnist.