Ryan Chartrand
OXNARD – In a surprising shift, activity underdog Vomiting saw gains in popularity as former top candidate Long Drives continued to slide this week. Filing Taxes came in fourth, but is poised to overtake third place Cleaning Public Toilets at any time, and independent competitor Shitting In Your Pants held last place again for the fifth week in a row.
Analysts speculate that inflated gasoline prices, increasing traffic volume, and heightened density of drivers with IQs lower than the posted speed limits have negatively impacted Long Drives’ image as of late, giving Vomiting a chance to seem like, comparatively, not such a bad thing.
Vomiting’s strategy as he closes in on the lead has been to paint himself in a more positive light utilizing euphemisms like “cooking stomach soup” and “gastronomical cleansing.” He stresses his age and experience, and decries Long Drives for his relative youth and inability to get things done quickly. Long Drives continues to bombard Vomiting with a full speed mudslinging campaign, attacking him for being the “cause of esophageal cancer,” “stinky,” and “a closet alcoholic.”
Deciding who is the best is a tough decision. One citizen, who apparently will have a difficult time choosing between the two. was sighted doing both – making a hung-over commute and pulling over intermittently to lean out the driver’s side door and vomit on the roadway. Long Drives and Vomiting were in agreement on this issue, discouraging the unsafe combination of the two activities. For those to whom it is absolutely necessary, they urged the use of hands-free vomiting devices in vehicles.
Shitting In Your Pants was in disbelief over the recent gain. “Vomiting is becoming a genuine dark horse in this race to elect the least bad of the worst activities. If he wins this thing, I’ll eat my hat.”
Added Shitting In Your Pants: “I’m really not so bad you know. I’m stuck in a negative light, but have you ever tried Depends, the adult undergarment? It’s like the luxury of having the bathroom come to you instead of having to go to the bathroom. Vote for me!”
Filing Taxes was scheduled for an interview on the matter, but could not attend in time due to filing for an interview extension just days before our date.
The election, just two weeks away, is scheduled for Tuesday, April 24, and is unique in that all ages will be eligible to cast a vote. The addition of child voters is likely to create ballot issues similar to and worse than the issues with senile voters as seen in the past in Florida, as well as giving Shitting In Your Pants a slight edge among the extra voters who wear diapers. But given that this demographic does not know what “chads” are and is concerned primarily with teething and learning to walk, this edge will in fact cancel out. It is expected to come down to a close vote between Long Drives and Vomiting. Whatever the circumstances, may the best, least worst activity win.