Ryan Chartrand
Editor’s note: The Bunion is fake news. Period.
AVILA BEACH – Beachgoers at Avila Beach were shocked and offended Sunday by the behavior of hooligan college students in their proximity who blatantly disobeyed posted beach rules and bothered the public.
“It was a group of five. They were all in poor misinformation about the consequences of sunlight, etiquette on the beach, and especially common courtesy,” said Hernando Jimenez, a local shaved ice vendor. Added Jimenez: “One of their noses was burnt so bad that he kept buying my shaved ices just to bury his face in them like a frightened ostrich. He looked just like Elmo. But they were my best customers that day. They were hammered off Rolling Rock beers and spent nearly 70 dollars in two dollar increments.”
The individual with the burnt nose reportedly believed that having a bottle of tanning lotion on his person would deflect the harmful UV rays away from him, like a “magic voodoo ward.” Doctors reportedly believed that his nose would have to be surgically removed from his face to prevent the spread of skin cancer.
Varied tips indicate that one of the bunch had fashioned an obscene smiley face on his chest out of Hawaiian Tropics sun block, utilizing his nipples for eyes and his belly button as the open mouth in a somewhat openmouthed look of surprise. Local author John Tandley was there by chance, and provided us with an account of the horrific event he plans to release as dramatic non-fiction later this summer.
“Mothers forced their small children’s heads away as one of the women swirled her sun block drenched fingers lasciviously on his nipples to paint the eyes. Two others in the group were running feverishly back and forth along the beach, slaloming the peaceful beach visitors and several times endangering the lives of small infants with their stray football passes. Sand and debris were sprayed onto the oiled bodies of standers by resulting in blotchy tans, and into the mouths and eyes of crying babies, who cried harder and louder,” wrote Tandley.
“Another in their group was a corpulent woman who insisted on wearing a bikini despite her build’s suitability for the adequately covering one-piece. When she strode along the beach, the cellulite on her buttocks jogged up and down to reveal fleshy white crescents at the tops of the backs of her thighs, and back sweat rained off of her like a salty monsoon.
Paramedics responded to several emergencies later that day; one victim had the lower half of a rolling rock bottle embedded in his foot. Another suffered chemical burns after accidentally coming into contact with a pile of sand saturated with back sweat. Local authorities of Avila Beach have constructed composite sketches of the perpetrators, and have plans to feed them to the bloodthirsty sharks of recent infamy if they ever show their faces in Avila beach again.