Ryan Chartrand
Editor’s note: The Bunion is fake news. Period.
SAN LUIS OBISPO – Twenty-one-year old Hunter Hungers was found huddled on the floor near the refrigerated meat isle of a local Albertsons grocery store, rocking back and forth and repeating to himself “Where is the boneless buffalo meat? Bring me more Brewtus!” When store employees attempted to coax him out of the store, he lashed out and bit off store clerk Danny Billigan’s finger.
Said Billigan: “I want my f–ing finger back!”
Hungers, who has had trouble cooking for himself ever since he left home and his mommy stopped slicing up hotdogs and mixing them in with his Velveeta Shells and Cheese, said his problem began as a casual trip to Applebee’s about once every two weeks. Eventually, he chanced upon “The Gathering Hour” from 3 to 6 and 9 to 12 in which appetizers are half off with the purchase of one drink. His love affair exploded with the realization that he could have two baskets of boneless Buffalo wings all to himself for the price of just one.
Trips became more frequent, and Applebee’s employees began to recognize him by name. He found himself taking detours to order through Carside To Go anytime he used his car, drawn irresistibly to the juicy chicken meat like Odysseus to the Sirens.
“Yeah, I remember that guy,” said Joey Johnson, and waiter at the local Applebee’s. “When he comes in, whoever spots him first goes back to the chefs to put a couple orders of the boneless wings in.” With a troubled look on his face, Johnson added “He was very polite at first. But in the end, serving him was like serving a barbarian – He’d scream his orders at me with wild eyes and flecks of hot sauce shooting from his mouth. The sauce was everywhere; all over his face and hands and clothing. If his waiter would pass his table after he’d order more, but without the food, he’d Frisbee the empty baskets at their heads and gargle Brewtus beer in his mouth. One time he was there for a full three hours and ate five baskets of wings all by himself.”
We visited with the staff of Sunny Dale Mental Institution where Hungers is being held temporarily.
“He’s deranged,” said caretaker Phillis Lowes. “We are supposed to confiscate everything on a person when we take them in, but he showed me a journal that he had smuggled in hidden in his butt cavity. In it he had written Applebee’s motto, “Eatin’ Good in the Neighborhood,” at least a thousand times, and he had glued in old paper placemats and cocktail napkins throughout as though it were a scrapbook full of memories.”
An Applebee’s spokesperson commented that “Boneless Buffalo wings are a scrumptious, mouthwatering treat” and that “it was unfortunate, but not not-understandable that a mentally unsound individual could fall so deeply in love with Applebee’s fare.” The spokesperson wished Hungers the best, and the Applebee’s corporation will make a gesture of good faith by giving him several hundred dollars in Applebee’s gift certificates.