I came to a couple of harsh realizations today. First, I will be spending Valentine’s Day with my mom, which was unintentional, by the way. Ladies, you know guys can’t remember to shower, much less recall which day of the month Valentine’s Day falls on. Second, I am in a major with a little over 200 people, and more than two thirds of them are women. One would think I would have a decent chance of finding a valentine; not so much.
Finding a valentine the past couple of years has been as elusive as Warren Baker. I wonder if the Prez has a valentine? I’ll be honest I do possess a couple of characteristics that may preclude from being valentine-worthy.
I am a rabid sports fan, which runs along the lines of “stalked me in high school” and “looks like my dad” in the realm of traits women look for in a guy. So I got that going for me. I also spend an inordinate amount of time in the Mustang Daily office. I think chicks would dig the office if they could get past the general lack of sanitation, abundance of animals and Creed jokes (Scott Stapp is a god).
Another flaw that may dissuade a potential valentine is my excessive use of the word “poop” and overt discussion of scatological matter in general. I shout “SNL”/ “Anchorman”/ “Borat” quotes at random and in no particular context. I am a horrible dancer; think Elaine from “Seinfeld,” only more thumb and more hyphy. I look like the love child of Cary Elwes from “Princess Bride” and the oldest son from “Home Improvement.”
Oh, I also pop my pimples with a drafting compass I used in high school.I can’t back that up, but you get the idea. I actually had somebody in mind this year. I’ve known her forever. She’s gorgeous, funny, random and she even knows my name. Only she lives about 90 minutes away and thinks Valentine’s Day is “stupid and overrated.” Sweet, should I make reservations in my town or yours?
For those of you who have valentines or significant others, kudos; you’re all dead to me. While you are walking around contemplating your V-Day plans, keep in mind there are some of us who will spend the evening watching reruns of “The Golden Girls” while eating an excessive amount of Cheetos. If anyone with orange fingers tells you “Valentine’s Day was cool, I just hung out and I don’t know who Betty White is,” they are lying. They probably cried themselves to sleep and peed their bed from all the alcohol they consumed.
Not me though; I will be hanging out with the No. 1 lady in my life, Karyn Bauer. So, if any single, cool, moderately attractive women aren’t busy tomorrow night, my mom and I will be at Costco near the sundries. I’ll buy the hot dogs.