Ryan ChartrandTurn on a television and what do you see?1 That’s right, people who have little talent, lots of money, and a whole lot of problems. I’m talking the Paris Hiltons, Britney Speares and Lindsay Lohans of the world. The only problem with these ladies though, is that the act is getting kind of old. I mean really, how many rehab visits, bad parenting instances, and sex tapes do we really need2? It is getting old girls, and it is time for some new scandals to arise. In my newest “Guide to Life,” I’ll be giving you the advice to create a Hollywood-esque problem in your life that will maybe even propel you to super stardom.
First step is to pick a drug of choice. Spears chooses booze, lots of kids, and the “marriage” she had with Kevin Federline, Lohan chooses booze and cocaine, and Paris chooses, eh, I’ll give her credit from all her sex stories that she is addicted to a sex-inducing drug like ecstasy, even though there have been no such reports. It seems like the popular thing to do though really is to pick some sort of substance, stick to it, and use it till you need rehab. As I always like to do with my “Guide to Life” though, is to not just point out what is going on in the world, but also give you an example or two of things you can actually do yourself to put you on your way to success. What you pick doesn’t have to be so serious though; just pick something, and then stick with it till someone calls you out on it as a problem. Mine would be celery. Wait a minute, celery? Yes celery, and yes I did just have a conversation with myself. You see, celery is easily the most underrated vegetable there is, almost pushing it into obscurity many times. Now, if people were to find out that I was addicted to it, the first reaction would be that I was ridiculous. Look deeper though. It is damn good, but everyone seems to forget that. Really, if I were to be able to have so much of it that it would send me to rehab, then, “Hello Lindsay Lohan,” because I’ll be joining her shortly.
The next step is to refuse to wear any sort of underwear. Nothing has been more popular lately than paparazzi shots of celebrities without bras or panties, with the pictures spread3 all over the Internet. As far as trends go, there really is nothing more popular these days than nipple slips or upskirt shots for that quick celebrity fix, because it seems like just when you forget about some celebrity starlet, a picture of her hoo-ha appears on the Web4. If you have more decency than to show your most private areas though, and as a fine reader of my article I’m sure you do have more decency than that, I will give you an alternative. That would be to wear mirrored underwear. Whaa? Mirrored underwear? Yes, mirrored underwear. It is common for the paparazzi, or to localize it, that creepy guy who always is taking pictures at parties, to snap that picture and instantly distribute it as quickly as possible. So, what will happen is that this photographer will take this picture and quickly put on the Web the shot that they think is an upskirt shot. But wait, the mirror will quickly reveal who the photographer was and the failed upskirt picture shot attempt will snatch5 the respectability right away from the photographer.
Gentleman, fear not. You have not been forgotten. While so far I’ve talked about the ladies of Hollywood6, there is a certain thing to point out about the male celebs. We have recently learned of Michael Richards’ hatred of black people, and everyone knows Mel Gibson’s hatred of me and my fellow Jews.
With those two men mentioned, it is easy to create scandal by picking a group of people and yelling as much hateful stuff that you can think of. While it seems like Richards and Gibson have gone for the easiest groups possible to make fun of, there are still a few groups left. How about Native Americans? Or the gay population? Or Canadians? Richards and Gibson only barely scratched the surface of offending people, so this one actually might be the easiest to really stake a claim in being hated by as many people as possible. In reality though, all news is good news, right?
Well, like always, I hope you learned something. I also hope that you take this “Guide to Life,” use the advice, and really put yourself on the map as the next celebrity to come out of Cal Poly, because well, everyone is getting sort of tired of having the only notable Cal Poly alumnus be Weird Al Yankovic.
Love and peace and I’ll see you all in rehab.
1 OK, wait, no I wasn’t actually watching the WNBA, I swear I fell asleep while watching ESPN and when I woke up it was on.
2 Fine, the sex tapes don’t really get old. You with me, fellas?
3 Panties and spread in the same sentence? No pun intended.
4 With that said, Rosie O’ Donnell you HAVEN’T been forgotten, and Scarlett Johansson you HAVE been forgotten.
5 Upskirt and snatch? Again, no pun intended.
6 Oh my bad, or should I say the ladies of Hollywood and Rosie O’ Donnell. ZING!
Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist. After you check out his own Hollywood scandals on IMDB.com, make sure to visit mikeheimowitz.com.