Anatomy of a first date: the good and bad

In a highly scientific and structured approach, I took a general survey of friends’ and acquaintances’ impressions of the “first date.”

(Actually, statistics majors would shudder if they knew how unscientific my data-gathering methods are.)

The common response was something along the lines of “ugh,” “blech,” “eww,” or a guttural combination of those three. We’re accustomed to this less-than-enthused reaction. Blind dates, lunch dates, group dates, recycled dates – the other qualifiers don’t matter quite as much, if it’s a “first.”

Most, if not all, firsts in life are memorable due to their inherent anxiety and tension. Remember your first day of school? (What to wear? I don’t want to look dorky.) Your first day on the job? (What to say? I don’t want to sound incompetent.) Your first kiss? (What to do? I don’t want my braces to catch on his/hers.) Even if you’re recalling fondly, undoubtedly there was an awkward quality to the experience (if not, count yourself lucky; but no one believes you).

First dates seem to have a stress all their own, mostly due to the fear of the possibility of a screw-up in the presence of a desired other. No wonder first dates are so dreaded, since the risk factor of a snafu increases given the number of areas in which one could take place. These things are what make a first date so nerve-racking:

Shallow though it may seem, we are visual beings, and appearance is important to us. Yes, we stress about the way we look. On a first date it’s especially important because it’s your first shot at the impression you’re aiming for.

However, the object is to impress with an accurate representation of your personality. How are you going to learn about your compatibility with your date if the persona you present (and the one he/she presents) isn’t genuine? There’s a delicate balance to be achieved between staying true to your personal style and looking reasonably nice.

Of course, physical appearance is the easy part of the whole ordeal. Assuming this date will somehow incorporate a meal, let’s not forget the logistical nightmares of consuming food and drink without spilling or otherwise upsetting your painstakingly-chosen apparel.

There’s tradition to be wrestled with, too. Do you pick her up, or is it presumptuous to think she couldn’t take care of her own transportation? Do you let him pay for dinner (assuming he offers), or is that perpetuating gender stereotypes? For the both of you, how are you to initiate or respond to post-date activity suggestions (like. coffee)?

For most, the overarching concern of the date is conversation. Small-talk in the car and while waiting for a table; hopefully an actual verbal exchange throughout the rest of the night; transitions; winding down at the end of it. Maybe you’ll say something really off-base. Maybe you’ll be entirely lost while he/she goes on for an hour about quantum mechanics homework.

Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll find out you have a lot in common, and that you can actually talk with this person about more than just quantum mechanics.

Perhaps it isn’t the date itself that is so dreaded, but the expectations we build up prior to jumping into it.

Certainly, not everyone goes into a first date toting the question, “What if this person is the One?” (If that were the case, there would be a lot less dating going on.)

However, it cannot be denied that the happily-ever-after archetype still exists. None of us would ever admit it, but there’s a good number of us who ask ourselves that question.

(OK, so not all of us actually go so far as to ask. Some of us just ponder. Others barely allow it to enter actual consciousness for more than a split second. My point is, the question is there, if only in untouchable unconscious realms.)

The truth is, we’re not actually worried about stray hairs, spaghetti sauce stains, or verbal blunders. Our inherent first-date fear stems from fear of disappointment that the date won’t lead to a second, and that fairy-tale ending we’ve been raised to aspire to will evade us yet again.

On the other hand, fear could come from the potential success of the date. What does it mean if the first date goes well and does lead to a second encounter? What does it mean if you get along? Is this the end of my single life for good? I’m not ready for that kind of commitment!

All told, a first date, while understandably uncomfortable, doesn’t have to be the ordeal we’ve established it to be. Sure, it will be a little awkward; that expectation doesn’t go away. But if you change your perception of it, maybe you could actually have a little fun, and learn something about another person while you’re at it.

Think of the first date as a trial, a demo – “just to see” how things could maybe, possibly, potentially, hypothetically, work out between the two of you. Clearly, you’ve already expressed some interest in each other if the date night has been determined. If you don’t go into it with any expectations except the opportunity to get to know someone, you’ll be more likely to enjoy yourself … or, at the very least, enjoy the food.

Sarah Carbonel is an English and psychology junior and Mustang Daily dating columnist.