Ryan ChartrandEditor’s note: The Bunion is fake news. period.
In an attempt to stay the upcoming post-Super Bowl football blues, the NFL has teamed up with cable television network Comedy Central to offer the first Annual “StuporBowl” pitting the poorly managed 3-13 Detroit Lions against the floundering 2-14 Oakland Raiders on StuporBowl Monday.
Analysts and sports bookies are giving Detroit a slight edge to win, given their clutch seven percent advantage in games won compared to Oakland. However, as the championship is actually about determining the worst team, the losing team will be considered the winner, and will receive matching plastic decoder rings and gift certificates to Sizzler Steakhouse. Despite the awesome prizes at stake, don’t expect the victorious coach to be doused in Gatorade, as neither of the two dying franchises can afford to waste the money on celebratory gestures.
Detroit manager Matt Millen, under which the Lions are 24-72 since 2001, reportedly laughed inappropriately and like a hyena upon news of the Lions “being favored for once.” He then thoughtfully suggested that the franchise could use a “new head coach” in time for the StuporBowl and promptly excused himself from our interview to scout for new ones and carry-on the painstaking financial business of stretching the Lions budget to pay four previously fired head coaches that remain on salary. 82-year-old team owner William Clay Ford, a man who defecates in a bedpan and can’t tell the difference between assholes, elbows, and football team managers asked “What football team? I own a football team? I want Model-T manufacturing doubled immediately!”
Oakland coach Art Shell, a man so unanimated he is often mistaken for a 6-foot-5 life-size cardboard cutout, was recently fired for the second time in his career by the Oakland Raiders, and refuses to return to Oakland for a third time. Consequently, Raiders owners plan to fabricate a 6-5 life-size cardboard cutout of Art Shell, placing it on roller skates and attaching it with rope to an agitated three-toed sloth to improve on past performances and field mobility.
There are plans for a halftime show featuring the sloth and Mike Millen competing for the higher score in a fourth grade level math exam, but the fun won’t end with just four quarters and a show. It is expected that surly Raiders Black Hole fans and disgruntled Lions Fanatics will partake in an after-game parking lot feud. The celebration will be neither organized nor safe, involving broken beer bottles, lacerations, and put-downs, but will be fully filmed and aired the next weekend as an opening act for the UFC fare. Tickets will be left in boxes outside of Dolphin Stadium and may be picked up by anyone for free. Event staff suggests parking farther away from the stadium to avoid overturning or the catching on fire of your vehicle. Avoiding your vehicle being urinated on will be next to impossible, however, since the Raiders Black Hole fans are going to be in the general area.