In the mood to screw?

To screw or not to screw. Shakespeare had it wrong all along. They screw you on parking, on tests, at financial aid, at work, even looking for an elliptical machine at the Cal Poly rec center. In a world where you get screwed left and right…do you really want to get screwed when you’re relaxing? Well, some of us actually screw to relax… so let me rephrase that question. When enjoying a fine wine in the privacy of your own home, do you really want to feel like a hobo down in dark alley? Most people say no.

I’ve read a few wine magazine articles and snickered a bit when snooty wine critics have their go at the pros and cons of not having cork as a stopper. But here are the real facts.

Cork is harvested from a tree called Quercus Suber, or “Cork tree” for all you non-biology majors. The trees can only be harvested once a decade or so. With the demand of wine escalating, it is only a matter of time before cork will inevitably run out or be too expensive to be used as stoppers for wine.

Another downside is that one bottle in every case of wine will statistically have cork taint. Just think about what this means for large wineries. A million cases equals a million tainted bottles. Cork taint is a foul smelling odor in the wine transmitted by microscopic mold in the cork. This compound is called 2,4,6-trichloranisole, or for those wine addicts “in the know,” it’s simply TCA.

Cork’s days are numbered. Another fault of cork is that it dries up or shrinks in size on older wines and can oxidate wines even when they aren’t opened. Shrinkage is never pretty, and in this case, shrinkage turns wine to vinegar. Yummy.

Yet, some forward thinkers have jumped past this inevitable cork funeral, onto something new. The previous alternative to using cork, dating back to the mid-1600s, was oil-soaked rags shoved down wine bottlenecks. For some reason, I prefer the more recent alternative, Mr. Screwcap.

Mr. Screwcap is a very attractive and appealing younger man. He may not necessarily have a lot of experience, but you conveniently forget all this when you look at what he’s got to offer. You can screw him in public (or unscrew, depending on mood). He’s very low maintenance and requires no use of tricky apparatuses. He’s a cheap date because you can’t pay a corking fee if he wasn’t corked right?

There’s no sipping estranged bits and pieces of him in your wine; That could be awkward. He is just as easy to open up to after four glasses as he was your first glass. He is backpacking friendly, which makes him popular with all your flannel shirt, beard-wearing REI friends. He enjoys attending bonfires and picnics. He enjoys lawn seats at concerts and laughs at all your friends who pay $10 for margaritas.

Screw caps, also called “Stelvin” caps, are beginning to be more and more prevalent in the wine industry. New Zealand is currently producing the majority of their wines solely with screw caps. Bonny Doon Wineries is a local company that stepped up in 2002 to announce their switch. By 2004, all wines including their high end wines ($25 to $45) were completely screw capped.

So after all that talk, are you still in the mood to screw? I hope you are, because I have some excellent recommendations. The first is Screw Kappa Napa 2003 Zinfandel ($5).

The label depicts a good intentioned corkscrew with a halo going to heaven. While the nose was nothing short of mundane, the first sip was surprisingly full of berries and a deep oak.

My second selection was a Puzzle 2004 Cabernet Sauvignon ($6). On its label, it had a acrostic word puzzle. While the smells were vibrant and delicious, ironically, I was puzzled when I tasted it. For such a vibrant and wonderful smell it was just bland and dry.

The best food to pair screw cap wines with is whatever you have on hand! Be it Burger King (BK Lounge for cool kids) or spicy beef satays. Trashy or classy. It all depends on how you like to get screwed.

Feel free to submit any recommendations, accolades, favorite wines or recipes to laurenjeter@gmail.com

Lauren Jeter is a 2005 wine and viticulture graduate and is currently pursuing a master’s in agribusiness.