Ryan ChartrandSAN LUIS OBISPO, CA – Camcorder footage delivered anonymously to Cal Poly’s newsroom yesterday showed grainy images of a poorly disguised Musty the Mustang hoofing a large quantity of bills across the desk of an underground sports bookie in Montana, placing his bet for Saturday’s game on the Grizzlies. Apparently, the bookie, who saw through Musty’s trench coat and plastic glasses-nose-and-mustache disguise, flicked on the Panasonic PV-9600 PK-958 Vintage Camcorder he keeps hidden for just such an occasion with the intention of blackmailing Musty.
“Something just didn’t fit when I saw that he had hoofed legs for arms,” the bookie said.
The footage was released Monday when Musty either refused to pay his blackmailer or was incapable of paying because the crippled financial position his chronic sports betting had left him in. The Grizzlies did not cover the spread when their hook-footed kicker spun an elliptical 20-yard wounded-duck field goal through the uprights to win lamely 10-9 in the closing seconds of the game.
The shocking footage prompted a raid on Musty’s home by the NCAA, who found it seemingly as it should be, cluttered with posters of the Cal Poly players, green and gold foam number one hands and horse manure. According to NCAA investigator Thomas Query, that was all a ruse, and the feeling of appropriateness “degenerated” into nausea and unease when the search discovered what investigators are referring to as “the dungeon.”
“We were just about to finish and consider the Montana bet an isolated incident when we uncovered a hidden trap door beneath Musty’s water trough,” Query said. “A staircase and chamber that looked to have been carved slowly by horseshoe over the length of several years led to secret stronghold of illegal sports gambling, a horse tranquilizer addiction and carrot binging. His gambling books showed a history of betting against Cal Poly that stretched back twenty years, in addition to debts racked up from betting on boxing, cock-fighting, dog-racing, dog-fighting, and some miscellaneous numbers which we can safely assume are from Musty kneeling in dark alleyways rolling dice against a dark brick wall in illegal games of street craps.”
For 55-year-old Mustang fan and stable caretaker Gary Chargley, the most disheartening thing was being rudely awakened about where Musty’s real team spirit lay. “The chamber was full of autographed Southern Utah Thunderbirds stuff, and there was a soiled crudely made mock-up of the Thunderbirds mascot suit in the corner,” Chargley said. “The thought of Musty holed up down there, indulging in his wicked acts and secretly dancing around adorned in that imitation T-Bird suit makes me sick.” Fighting off tears, Gary choked that he hoped they would “make Musty into glue.”
Refusing to comment, Musty the Mustang made that horse sound with his lips and pulled back in fear.
In the aftermath of the scandal, Cal Poly will be hosting an open tryout for a new sports mascot this week, to which acrobatic costumed creatures of all shapes and sizes are expected to attend, seeking out the prestige and lucrative $4.50 an hour salary that come with the job that is sadly and unexpectedly now open. In related news, the tryouts will be catered by an exquisite French cheval spread.