Men's fashion don'ts are dos this fall

The fall season is right over the horizon and for many Cal Poly students, it is an opportunity to make a new impression on new peers.

Whether we acknowledge it or not, we constantly find some way to reinvigorate the way we want to be perceived. This could include the purchase of a sick new ride, a funky hairstyle, a tattoo, a piercing, or for those that stress the importance of attire, a standout, even outlandish, getup.

For those of you gentlemen making your first appearance on campus this quarter and for the returning fellows who lurked in obscurity last year, your choice in attire will more or less dictate the way you are initially perceived. Let’s face it – our initial judgment of our peers is based upon appearance anyway (stop denying it; it’s true).

So, to help those of you trying to hit it off this quarter with some striking new threads, here are some fashion suggestions, from head to toe, that could very well make you top dog on the mountain of Cal Poly trendsetters.

As far as head gear goes these days, beanies and New Era hats are played out, tired, and way past retirement. To make an impression with some head gear that shouts, “I’m original, BIATCH,” may I suggest a foreign head-gem known as the “ushanka.”

An ushanka is a large fur hat that is a staple of Russian military attire for those freezing-ass cold Russian winters.

If you don’t know what an ushanka looks like, watch the movie “Strange Brew” or go to Chicago in the winter. You know the funny looking plaid or leather caps with long, dangling ear-flaps and a flap on the front that looks like an upturned wooly bill? That is an ushanka, an Americanized version at least.

The ushanka I speak of should come directly from Russia and be made from nothing less than the finest muskrat or rabbit pelts (don’t worry, male activists, they make synthetic ones too). It should also be emblazoned with a kick-ass sickle and hammer pendant reminiscent of the USSR.

Now that we have the dark and mysterious side of you covered, it’s time to tone it down with something that says, “Wait, I may look cold but I can be loveable too.” Well, nothing says lovable like a nice knit sweater. But not just any sweater; it must be a crazy-ass sweater with loads of bars and colors.

Single colored sweaters are too one-dimensional and only exhibit one shade of your personality that can often send the wrong signals (blue: depressed, green: horny, or pink: effeminate).

The multi-barred, multi-colored sweater is sweet because you can cover the entire spectrum, giving off the impression that 1) you are a man in touch with all of your feelings, or 2) your mood confuses the hell out of everyone like an emotional chameleon (“I dare you to figure me out”).

Plus, being loveable and being dorky are like two peas in a pod. And with a smorgasbord of mismatching colors and patterns, you’re bound to be the front-runner for the honorary Dork Award. But it’s okay, dorks are fashionably appealing too.

Next, you need to exhibit some flash; the air of money to counter your dark and dorky, yet altogether poor-ass appearance.

What you need is the shiny pizzazz of the “bling” – a sure-fire way to clue everyone in to the deep pockets you’ve attained by your own means (and the more illegal the means, the cooler).

Or if not by your own means, the flash signifies that Mom and Dad have stacks of cash to throw at you. Therefore, you give off an even cooler air of the jobless, lazy, over-privileged buck, so unmotivated that waking up when the sun is waning, going to class one day a week and drinking the other six, while going out on binge shopping and dining excursions is your forte.

I promise that you can achieve all of this with a little help from flash such as diamond encrusted, gold-framed, aviator sunglasses, a platinum oversized necklace with either a caste rendition of Jesus (because JC is gangster) or your initials in an old English font hung by a three foot chain, and silver bejeweled fronts for your chompers.

Oh yes, with the flash, your rock star/ghetto-glorified pimp appearance will win the admiration of your fellow money making-peers. Meanwhile, the ladies will be hollering to catch a glimpse of your grill piece every which way you turn. The bling, like silver on a fish hook, is just so attractive you’ll be sure to reel in a bounty of gawks and stares.

At this point, you might look rich, but do you look rugged? Well pretty boy, you aren’t going to look too tough wearing those low-rise, boot cut, hemmed-like-a-woman’s-figure jeans, are you? Man up, and get yourself a pair of 501’s, Levi’s that is.

These jeans are classic, always an original, and if you throw on a pair of these, you’ll never be tossed into the category of “gender confusion.”

And never mind the $100 pre-faded, pre-worn, acid-washed pair of jeans. Just stick with one untainted color (such as brown or black), and like your 501’s you’ll be looking solid.

Now that you’re on course to looking tough after lingering into the realms of mysterious, lovable, flashy and rough, you need to round your fashion conquest off with something that says, “I’m a bad ass. Fathers, hide them daughters!”

Simply slip your feet into some Van’s Old School shoes for that “hard core” effect.

But not just any Van’s will do.

Navy blues, blacks, and any other single-color Van’s are just too dull, and don’t you even consider for an instant throwing on some checker pattern slip-ons, Mr. Spicolli. What you’ll need are some skulls and crossbones or some vato bandana patterns going on, like the ones found on the new AVE Era Van’s.

Strap on a pair of these bad boys, walk across campus and you’ll find dudes squeamishly ducking out to the other side of the road as you pass by. Meanwhile, others will break out in cold sweats for fear of your girlfriend-thieving appearance.

So there you have it, a complete head-to-toe guide on how to raise yourself from social and fashion obscurity into the realm of style superiority. Because let’s face it: for most of you “trendy” gentlemen out there, popped collars, designer jeans, and flip-flops – your “go to” fashion staples – just plain suck.

If you’re daring enough, sack up, throw on an ushanka and a JC chain, jump off the harsh barge of fashion faux pas and begin a new quarter steady crushing with a fresh new style that reeks of chic.